Many of us grow up absorbing relationship advice that sounds reassuring but is often misleading, and frankly, not backed by science. We are fed a diet of rom-com tropes that suggest love should be effortless. When reality hits, we start asking, “What is wrong with us?”
Decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman have helped to dispel the most common myths about love, conflict, and long-term success. Let’s look at the “lies” we’ve been told and what the evidence-based reality looks like.
Myth 1: “Never Go to Bed Angry”
This is perhaps the most persistent piece of advice given at weddings, and it’s often the most counterproductive.
The Reality: Have you ever tried to resolve a deep-seated disagreement when you were exhausted? It usually goes “pear-shaped” because of a state called physiological flooding. This occurs when your heart rate exceeds 100 BPM and your nervous system enters “fight or flight” mode.
- Why it fails: When flooded, your prefrontal cortex (the logical part of your brain) goes offline. You literally cannot think clearly.
- The solution: Sometimes the healthiest choice is to pause, rest, and return to the conversation when both partners are regulated. Sleeping on it can actually protect the relationship from words you can’t take back.
Myth 2: “Happy Couples Don’t Argue”
There is a common misconception that the absence of conflict equals a healthy relationship. In reality, the opposite is often true.
The Reality: All couples argue. What matters isn’t if you fight, but how you fight. According to Gottman research, healthy relationships are characterized by respect, repair attempts, and emotional responsiveness.
Even long-lasting, happy couples have ongoing, unsolvable differences (about 69% of relationship problems are perpetual). The goal isn’t to “fix” your partner, but to learn how to coexist with those differences without damaging your bond.
Myth 3: “If It’s This Hard, We Aren’t Compatible”
We are often told that if love is “right,” it should stay easy. This myth leads many to bail on great relationships the moment the “honeymoon phase” ends.
The Reality: Strong relationships are built intentionally. They aren’t “found”; they are forged. The Gottmans’ research makes it clear that long-term success requires ongoing emotional attunement and skills that can be learned and practiced over time.
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert (Revised and updated ed.). Harmony Books.